WEBVTT
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what do you want to do tonight?
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the same thing we do every night.
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Pinky, try to take over the world all right, yo let's get into it.
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Try to take over the world you're preaching freedom and greatest chaplain in the world.
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Trying to take over the world.
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What up, what up, what up.
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I'm going to do my best.
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Kj impression hey, what's up?
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Do you know where your pogs are?
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It is 8.30 on the East Coast.
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Kj, as you may have noticed, is not with me at the moment.
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Kg will be here.
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He is doing the wonderful travel and fighting traffic.
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So tonight we're going to be talking with John Graham who is the founder of Good Samaritan Home.
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He's an author all around, seemingly interesting guy.
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Let's see if he's as interesting as I hope he is.
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I think we are.
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We're just talking a little bit off stage.
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John's big thing.
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John, tell you what?
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Why don't you introduce yourself and just give everybody kind?
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of an idea of who you are, where you're coming from and we'll go from there.
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Well, I won't give you any pretentious nonsense.
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Let's say that.
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Let's put it this way.
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I sense let's say that let's put it this way.
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I've made a lot of career detours before I got here, and it took me about 35 years to find something that I was actually good at, and so I'm very sympathetic for people who make detours like I did.
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I believe heartily in second chances, third chances and, in my case, eight chances.
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That's like let's see Colonel Sanders and Hers my case eight chances.
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That's like let's see Colonel Sanders and Hershey's, I believe both had Actually it's very similar except I didn't do chicken.
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As you say, there's still time, right?
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I'm sure there's somewhere in the market.
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There's only so many ways you can do chicken apparently.
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I think great sympathy in Colonel Sanders living in his car for a while, yeah, and I think Hershey, the guy who went bankrupt multiple times, I want to say Walt Disney struggled early on for quite a bit as well.
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Some of the big names really kind of had problems and just were major challenges before they found what their track in life is.
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And it sounds like you kind of went along that path.
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Well, actually, you're actually touching on the heart of the issue.
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In our culture, we like to think that you're successful at 20, 25, and you make a million by 30, and you can retire and live large at 40 in the south of France, and I found that, at least for me and I have a feeling I'm typical it doesn't work that way.
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It takes a long marathon to reach a degree of stability, let alone success.
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Oh yeah, I agree, and the crazy thing about how the world is now is you can even make it worse because of the influencers who hit it big.
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So here's a few people like Mr Beast and some of the other kind of weird podcaster influencers and they do.
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They make a ton of money because they were early in, they found a niche and they went with it.
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But now kids come along and think, oh well, that's all I have to do.
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All I have to do is be popular on YouTube and I can drive a Lamborghini and live on the South France if they want, and I don't think the kids these days understand that.
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That's not normal.
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Well, we have.
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I'm part of the generation that grew up thinking that if we stand in front of our microwave and say, hurry up, that it'll somehow uh, whereas our mothers used to spend all day in the kitchen and that was actually the whole point of it was to spend all day doing something together.
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Oh, yeah, for sure.
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So, john, I assume you belong to the boomers.
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Is that your age group?
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I was.
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I grew up in the 50s.
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I came to age in the 60s.
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I made a lot of mistakes in the 70s and 80s.
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I finally hit stride in around 2001.
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So let's put it this way Late bloomer is being kind.
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Well, you know, it's funny about that with the boomers.
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I'm Gen X, but my dad was born in 1935.
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So my guess is our fathers are actually pretty close as far as age goes.
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And truth is that in some respects we are at a disadvantage because we grew up in the success of the 50s and 60s, and particularly in the 90s, where everything seemed to be doing so well.
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We were making money, hand over fist, and greed was a good word, gordon, gekko greed.
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But our parents grew up knowing how to sacrifice, knowing how to work hard and delay and to do community events in the Depression to survive, and they knew what it meant to ration gasoline in the war, ration meat, and we had no understanding of that.
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So in some respects I blame a lot of the issues we're dealing with on my generation, which felt entitled.
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Yeah, I blame your generation too.
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Yeah, good man, I appreciate that.
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So delayed gratification.
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I read here that you had 200 rejections for the book you wrote.
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I want to hear that story.
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You spoke before about the young people thinking they can be instantly successful.
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And I kept reading people who sent out a query to an agent and suddenly they were picked up by six or seven agents.
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They made a great royalty and they were a New York Times bestseller with their first novel.
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And that's all crap.
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It just doesn't happen that way.
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Statistically, most books and I'm talking about the vast majority of all books published sell less than a thousand copies over their lifetime.
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The average book sells less than 250 copies, so nobody makes money at books.
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So I determined that I was going to tell a story that I felt was important and my goal was to publish it.
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And so I wrote what I felt to be a good story and it kept getting rejection, rejection, rejection.
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And I hired an editor who was about a third of my age but twice my intellect third of my age but twice my intellect and he taught me how to write emotions.
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And I was trained as a journalist and there's a tendency to make your writing dispassionate, make it unemotional, which is actually a good thing for journalists, but it's very bad for fiction writers.
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So my editor looked at my book, he read it and he said you know, I just don't like the character.
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So my editor looked at my book, he read it and he said you know, I just don't like the character, I find him to be offensive.
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So we we rewrote him as a real emotional person and it turned out it changed everything.
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After 10 years of writing we connected with Don Quixote Press, an outsider publisher, independent.
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We call it.
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Yes, an outsider publisher, independent, we call it.
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And that book took off and it's garnered 33 awards and sold literally 12,000 copies, which is unheard of for a debut novel, particularly for an old fart like me.
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So my point was that you write just to write and if somebody reads it and likes it, fine.
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But you do what you feel you have to do and that's tell your story.
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And I'm extremely relieved and pleased that others out there have read it and identified with the character and felt the emotions in it.
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Now, what is the name of the book?
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The name of the book is called Running as Fast as I Can, and the idea is that there are some of us who grew up in a situation because of birth or circumstance Maybe it's abuse, maybe it's a lack of education or structure, or maybe it's poverty but we don't have the structure or the tools to make it in what we consider to be normal society.
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So going to college is something we may not have ever understood or afforded.
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So we feel like we're running as fast as we can, but we can't catch up because we have a limp.
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And what I learned was that we like to think life is a sprint, where you run fast and you're successful, but what I learned was that life is a marathon, and if you keep running, even if you're slow, just keep running you can reach your goal too.
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And so I published when I was 75 years old.
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Wow yeah, KJ and I, we're both military and that's one of those things when you go on those heavy ruck marches is they just say, just lean forward and just keep moving your feet and eventually you end up at the end.
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That's right you just keep editing.
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Just keep writing.
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Absolutely so few of us can go out and win a sprint.
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We can, we can all run a hundred meters, but a lot of us, a lot of us aren't very fast.
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But you can train for a marathon, you can train to, to go the distance, and so it sounds like that's kind of the core of the book is just keep going until you make it.
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Well, what happened?
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was.
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I was trying to share the story of the work I do is with Good Samaritan Home, which is a nonprofit I started when I was 53 and which, after all these career detours and I'm being very polite when I say that, but at 53, I decided to use our house as a homeless shelter to help people who were struggling more than I was, and that turned into working with the Department of Correction to help men and women coming from prison for housing and mentoring, and we started off with our own house and we ended up, uh, over the next 24 years we have now 21 houses and we've helped almost 2,500 men and women restart their lives.
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And what I found is that, if I talk about helping people from prison, that's a nice theory, but with the novel I wrote it about somebody like you and I, and he, he, he went through the same struggles as somebody coming from prison did, but he never, never was involved in criminal activity.
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So my, my theme was that we all are struggling to catch up with normal people in some way, and so when I talk about second chances, I'm not talking about men and women from prison only.
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I'm talking about you and me.
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Yeah, I think it's interesting that you say normal people, because what jumps in my mind is what is normal.
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Everybody talks about this idea that there's this normalcy and yet we're all on our own.
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Nobody can really understand what path we're on.
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I've jokingly said that, to put it in common terms, that we're all player one in the video game and everybody else is an NPC, Because we don't know what the non-player character is like.
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Like John, I don't know your life.
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All I know is you're another character who's in my game right now and vice versa, and so it's very difficult to truly understand what somebody else is going through.
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We can try, but there's just no way to actually have that understanding.
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We can have empathy, but understanding is something completely different.
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And I think that the Facebook and the Internet has made normal look like some perfect, particularly AI.
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Now that everybody can be normal and with enough AI manipulation, I can lose 20 or 30 pounds without dieting.
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And you can make the walls behind you bend.
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That's exactly right.
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But this idea is that we look at normal, particularly women.
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This idea is that we look at normal, particularly women.
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I think it's an awful, extraordinarily difficult time for a woman, because everything is geared towards what I call the hard body look.
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She has to look perfect all of her life.
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A woman can never age, but a man looks dignified as he ages.
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And you know, talk about sexism.
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If I were a woman, I think I would be royally pissed at the way society offers that.
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It's just not fair, it's just not fair.
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The crazy part about that and I've had this discussion with people is most men look at women as they age and kind of go, okay, they're getting older, it's no big deal.
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It's the women that look at other women and go, oh, look, how old she is.
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At least that's been my experience.
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The fashion industry to me is not a bunch of men going, oh, we need to have the perfect woman.
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Most men are kind of like, yeah, I mean, if you look at actual polling and actual some of the polling that's been done, one of the things I thought was really interesting I remember seeing a poll that it said what is the most attractive age and for men you'd think it would stay at that.
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You know the girls 18 or 19 year old girls.
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But as men got older, the girls got older.
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So by by the time a man was in his 50s or 60s, the most attractive women were in their early 30s, where women consistently were 18 year old men consistently.
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It didn't matter what age the women were.
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They wanted to eat, they want to look at the 18 year old boys.
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So I think it's interesting that just the difference how men are seen as visual and we clearly are, how men are seen as visual, and we clearly are.
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But at the same time I'm with you, john.
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I look at women.
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I go gosh, you guys have to do makeup and you have to do your hair.
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I don't care.
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My wife I can't tell you how many times I said, hey, we need to go to the store.
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And she goes no, I'm not ready.
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I'm like why?
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You look great, just let's go.
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No, I have to change my shirt, I have to put makeup on.
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I go look, it's just me and you, nobody knows.
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This doesn't matter.
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I think you look great and she goes well, it's not for, it's not for anybody else, it's for me.
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I have to be very careful.
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I can't speak as an expert on the role of men and women, or particularly women, but my limited observation is you're absolutely correct that women are competing against women and men are far less critical than the women are of themselves.
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And men are, I think, as funny as it sounds, because of how society is, I think society looks at it, the men are very critical, but most men whether it's men towards women or men towards other men, we just kind of go, yeah, OK.
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Whether it's men towards women or men towards other men, we just kind of go, yeah, OK.
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I mean my, my judgment of how handsome a man is is pretty simple.
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It's if I wished I looked more like that person.
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He's more handsome than I.
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Am Pretty simple, but but that's not how it really works.
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I think we're men are portrayed as this.
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We just think everybody's wrong and I think men are very generally just like hey, it is what it is, we don't need to make all these changes.
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I feel, like I said, I feel bad for women in the, in the way that society has forced the hard body.
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Look, as you said, because it's just not fair as a woman gets older.
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You just there's a show right now called Hacks on HBO and it's about an aging female comedian and she's.
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It's a wonderful show, it's very funny, but she talks about how she's.
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You know, she's about 75 in the show and just hasn't had a piece of cake in years because she just has to keep her figure.
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She just has to and she gets everything done.
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Her young assistant sees her after a year and she says the young assistant says to her, or you know, she says, oh, you look great.
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And she says back to the older lady well, you look the same.
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And she goes that's, that's the idea.
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You can't have any change.
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And it's really tough because, like, we get gray, we get old, we go, hey, no big deal.
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And women, unfortunately, they feel like they're being judged or seen in negative ways by whether it's weight or sagging or, you know, the gray hair.
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Hopefully they don't have the gray beard going on.
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They probably feel bad about themselves.
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But yeah, I do think it's interesting.
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The judgment is very different men, how men judge and how women judge, especially on appearance now I'll be fair.
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Uh, that women, when they dye their hair, look they do a far superior job than when men try to dye their hair.
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I have never seen a man dye his hair that it looks real.
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No, I'll 100%.
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I agree with that.
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It looks like a cheap hat, so this is the real deal, yeah.
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Well, and that's like my family says why don't you?
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You know you're going gray, why don't you color it or whatever?
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I'm like, I've earned all of this.
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I don't I don't need to color it.
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This is I've got 50.
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I remember when I was a young and handsome and a hard body and I was pretty stupid too.
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So I, if I had to trade and say old body, young body and stupid comes in the mix, I think I'll go with the old body.
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Yeah, easily easily to be young and dumb again.
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I don't wish that on anybody.
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No, that's why this, this concept we all men joke about.
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Well, when I reach a certain age, I can get a young girlfriend, but you've got to talk to that young girlfriend.
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It's not worth it.
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I mean, what do you say after Hi?
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How are you doing?
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What sign are you?
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Yeah, yeah, I don't understand this dating, the idea of dating these days.
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It just it's so far beyond me.
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Simply because, from what I understand, you talk so I deal with soldiers and they get in trouble for it.
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Or I won't even say that they won't get in trouble because they won't do it.
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They are so scared to even approach a male or female.
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You know that they want to date because they're so worried about the whole me too thing of oh, it's going to be taken the wrong way and I'm going to get reported.
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And I just wanted to ask him out on a date.
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I remember reading an article a few weeks ago.
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Somebody that used to be on the Fox show, gutfelt, I guess he was a guest here and there.
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He asked out one of the girls on the show that was I don't know what.
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She was a PA or somebody Asked her out for coffee and he got rejected by the show because they looked at it as a potential sexual harassment.
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And he's like I just asked somebody out if they wanted to go to coffee.
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She had every right to say yes or no.
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But isn't that how you date?
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Isn't that how you get to know people?
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And nowadays, if it's not online.
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It's not the app.
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Back when I was single.
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I was a fireman at one time in suburban Detroit and I was the only single fireman, so they assumed that I'd be living the single life.
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But I wasn't that interested in doing the bar scene.
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But I had one guy convinced me to go with him to a single bar and he was married, which made it even stranger.
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But I was really ill equipped for that sort of thing because I was more academic and I didn't fit into that semi-military culture of fire department where you you sit around and fantasize about your life that you've read about in some porn magazine but it's not really true.
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So we were at this singles bar and I was trying to be cool and fit in this was back in 1973.
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And and I said I saw this girl there and I said, excuse me, I was trying to be suave.
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I said, what do you?
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think of Kissinger's foreign policy.
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You know, it seemed right, it seemed like a normal discussion starter.
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Hey, baby how about that?
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Kissinger?
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Yeah, he had a hot wife.
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Needless to say, I went home alone.
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But the irony of that is the irony is it's probably better that you went home alone, because at that point, like you said, after you get past the initial stuff, what is there to talk about?
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But if you're talking to somebody, you say, you know, what, do you think about Kissinger's foreign policy?
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And she goes yeah, I just don't know what they're doing in China.
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Now you're like, oh, this is somebody.
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Immediately you know, this is somebody I want to talk to well, it usually doesn't happen in a singles bar probably not.
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I immediately just played the scene from Coming to America in my head Like where do I meet good women?
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And he's like oh, you can't go to no bar to meet a good woman.
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Well, I met my wife and I've been married 48 years but I met her in a church.
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I went back to visit a church because I was living in my truck at the time and I was traveling the country and I wanted a free meal.
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And these were good people and I figured I'd get a free meal and she invited me to come for a dinner and I came back one night, came back the second night and I kept coming back for free dinners and it wasn't long that I said coming back for free dinners and it wasn't long that I said I think this is better than living in my truck.
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So I married her.
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What was her reaction to?